Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
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I know karate and tons of other words.
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck