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The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
The funk soul brother
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
I only say stupid things when I talk.
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds