5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
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I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.