What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
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Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
this is the best interaction on twitter
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
Peace was never an option
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.