Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
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Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-LMe: *your
Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.