I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
You Might Also Like
Pretty much. 🤣
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.