I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
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If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*