Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
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The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
This guy’s not having it 😆
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.