dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
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A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.