Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
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My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
my dad when a sex scene comes on
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers