What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
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I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”