The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
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what are they serving at kfc then???
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
When news reporters do sports stories
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.