*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
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Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.