Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
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[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
Something Saturday.
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.