8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
You Might Also Like
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.