U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
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Roadkill is just a goth zoo
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america