Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
You Might Also Like
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..