*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
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Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.