Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
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Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’