When a shoelace touches your ankle
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I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
Is this you?
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
October already? What’s next? November????
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”