Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
You Might Also Like
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”