How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
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i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go