“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
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Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
Many hands make light work
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.