My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
You Might Also Like
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.