Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
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If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
こいつ天才
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.