[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
You Might Also Like
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
crying
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”