The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
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When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.