“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
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Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.