I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
You Might Also Like
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer