[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
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I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
You know…for fall…
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor