“i am a sweet baby”
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In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
I wish I could veto my bills.
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart