I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
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europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
Pandas 🐼🖤
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.