[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
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Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
I have a place for everything. The floor.
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
Just parrot things
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
Going to church you guys need anything
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.