Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
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Breaking news:
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no