Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
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“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.