me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
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Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
¯_(ツ)_/¯
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?