The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
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To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
God has left this place
couldn’t resist
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in