Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
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Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.