Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
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Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
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