I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
You Might Also Like
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
I wish I could veto my bills.
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
#SaturdayBears
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
can’t wait til they legalize outside
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.