The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
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Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
the simulation is moving too fast
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!