My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
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If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.