You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
You Might Also Like
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
Intelligence is the new cleavage
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
This dude got his own movie?
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.