I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
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I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.