so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
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HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
This is a whole mood;
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.