4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
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Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
Tier 3 meme
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..