I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
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I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.