I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
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I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
lumberjacks will cut a birch
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.