Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
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Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
For the ones in the back.
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
saw this in a dream
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
Monday
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”