found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
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If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
You look like you would fail a DNA test
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?